


I swear that I'll be around for you

by MidgardianNerd



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: A lot of pain, Birthday, Dameron feels, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Pre-TFA, Solo feels, a lot of fluff, the darkpilot stuff is not the main focus though
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2019-02-05 23:44:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12804978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidgardianNerd/pseuds/MidgardianNerd
Summary: Han knows he will fail to be the best father but he can still dedicate every special day to his boy.





	1. When you came into the world, you cried and it broke my heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [idrilhadhafang](https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/gifts).



> Adam Driver's birthday inspired me to write this. And "Dear Theodosia" from Hamilton the Musical brang me all the feels while writing it.

When his son was born, Han Solo has never felt so afraid in all his life spending to travel all around the galaxy and becoming friends/associates/enemies to the most dangerous men in this same galaxy. But this fear, this primal fear was so different from anything he has ever known. It wasn't anymore to be afraid for his safety or for the safety of Leia, the woman of his life, who could handle very well alone any danger thrown to her. This time, it was a little innocent human being. A part of Leia and he. A part of himself, of his heart, of his soul.

Han felt tears burning his eyes. The last time he cried, Han was still a boy running in crowed streets and already excercizing his smuggler's talents. And Han didn't know exactely why he was crying. Was it because his heart was bursting out of love for this little masterpiece in his hands called Ben ? Certainly. Was it because his birth has been the most wreck-nerving experience he had since even before the war, impossible for him to do something to help, just watching, waiting and praying to have his wife and his son to be alright ? Certainly too. Was it because even if Leia was finally safe, his little boy was still, already, fighting for his life ? That was that too.

To say that the birth has been bad was an euphemism. Leia gave all her strength to give birth to their little boy, like something was trying to hold him back in the safety of his mother's womb. Han has been thrown out of the room by the medics when his son was finally out but in a dreadful silence. Han screamed and shouted to everyone to do something, to save his boy and that was exactely the reason he has been escorted out of the medical room. Han slid on the floor, buried his head in arms and didn't breathe until he heard his son giving him a sign of life.

 

« Come on buddy ! Scream ! » whispered Han, his teary eyes focused on the closed door front of him. His son was maybe living the first and last moments of his brief life and neither Leia nor Han was there for him.

 

It felt like hours and later Han would realize it has just been seconds but Ben finally screamed. Han breathed again and the laugh escaping his lips was echoing in the empty corridor, to welcome his little boy in this world. When he finally had the permission to get back in the room, Han hurried through the door, and after having throw a glance to his wife, he ran to his son and took him from the arms of the nurse, cuddling him carefully against his chest and then everybody else in the room disappeared.

 

* * *

 

 

Later, Han was sitting at Leia's bedside, his hand clenching Leia's, his little boy sleeping against Han's bared chest to warm him up. He let drop his forehead against Ben's, poking his too big nose against Ben's adorable little nose and then he smiled. So it was how tasted true happiness ? Han could get used to it very soon. He was suspecting to already being addicted to it in the space of the few hours since his son was born.

He was out of his too much emotional deep thinking when two big brown eyes, Leia's eyes, not his, were looking at him, trying to identify him, to know if he was an enemy or an ally. He supposed the later won when Ben didn't cry instantly.

 

« Welcome kiddo ! » whispered hesitantly Han.

 

Ben answered to him by raising up with two arms in clumsy moves and one of his tiny hand rest on Han's cheek, just in time to collect an unexpected tear. And it hit him. He was a father. He would be the center of the world of this little boy for so many years ahead of them. It was scary. And pretty exciting. Han felt confused. He knew nothing. Especially nothing about children. But then, he could learn. The only thing he needed to know for the moment was that he was loving this little guy with all his heart, mind and soul.

 

« I'm Dad. » said Han, smiling. « Are you okay with that ? »

 

Ben looked at him, like he was trying to give a thoughtful answer. Before, going back to sleep peacefully again his father's chest. Han took this for a yes. And for the moment, that was enough.

 

 


	2. When you smile, you knock me out, I fall apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is Han's first priority. Damn the consequences!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's time for Chewie to appear.

The day of Ben's fourth birthday, Han woke up to see an empty bed, Leia getting dressed too soon in the morning. Han frowned. They were supposed to spend the day together : Leia, Ben and him, on the Falcon board for a planet far away from Coruscant and this damn Senate which was stealing Leia from them too many days and too many nights. Han was thinking about Yavin IV. Even maybe finally let their son meeting Kes and Shara Dameron's son. If the boys were even just a little bit like their fathers, Han was sure they would get along greatly.

When Leia turned towards him, he recognized what this face meant and he felt his blood boiling. Of fucking course he shouldn't have made plans. Of fucking course there certainly was a fucking planet in a fucking part of the galaxy that nobody heard about before which were living a major crisis and of fucking course Leia couldn't stay away from these problems just for a fucking day, even if the day was fucking important. He saw his wife ready to harrass him with explanations and maybe an excuse but Han couldn't care less than at this moment. It could have happen the three years before and yes he would have been pissed but not as much as this year. Not when Ben was finally old enough to remember.

 

« Try to be back as soon as possible. » groaned Han, turning his back to her and crawling back under the blanket.

 

He heard the door closing and then he got up, sliding silently in Ben's room, laying on the bed next to a little body and put his arm around it. He felt a cold nose against his chest and dark hair tickling his chin. Then and only at this moment, his anger died.

 

* * *

 

Hours later, after Ben has taken a shower and a strong breakfast, Han was still waiting for any sign from Leia to inform then that their day could still be saved. He waited, too long and when came the time to be convinced that his hope was foolish, Ben was jumping on the couch, big smile on his lips, not yet asking about his mother. Already too used to not have her around. Han felt the anger from this morning coming back and punching his chest at every new jump of Ben.

But then when Ben looked back at him and offered him the most beautiful treasure in the universe, Han remembered that it was Ben's day. If Leia was willing to forget it, it was her problem. Not his. Han smiled and grabbed his little boy during one of his jumps. Ben's laugh answered to him and Han decided that their family day could still be saved.

Forty minutes later, Han was in his seat in the Falcon, Ben in the seat next to him, excited to go on a journey with Dad and for the first time but not the last, Han hoped it was a picture of their future. Han was sure Chewie wouldn't see a problem to make of Ben an associate. He would ask him when they will land on Kashyyyk in few hours.

 

* * *

 

The day spent in a blink. From the moment Han landed the Falcon on ground and he was crushed in Chewie's arms, Ben hiding behind his legs to Han kneeling at his side to present him properly his best friend, the last time Ben being just a baby. It took approximately four minutes to Ben to go from scared by the mountain of hair front of him to climbing with a laugh on the shoulders of the said mountain. Chewie obliged with the same excitement to finally spending some time with his informal nephew. Both Solo men were soon engulfed in a collective Wookie hug and all of them were babbling about how beautiful Han's little boy was. Han spent the day with the proudest smile on his lips and his cheeks were still hurting.

It was night now and Ben was sleeping in his arms, feeling exhausted after a whole afternoon playing at hide-and-seek with his Wookie cousins. He never looked sad in the whole day and Han felt grateful to Chewie's family to have been so good with his boy. Oh how much he missed his best friend, missed his family who had always welcomed Han among them like he had always belonged there. His family. Who has welcomed his son with the same care and same love than him long years ago.

Now it was almost time to get back home and Han felt reluctant to leave Chewie and this peace, far away from Coruscant ugly life. Han enjoyed his last moments here, watching the stars on his beloved ship, his son in safety in his arms, a traditional wookie blanket around him. It was a gift from Chewie and all the female members of the family, feeling the need to have a gift for Ben's birthday even if their visit was unexpected. They took an old full of colours blanket and worked on it a big part of the afternoon to personnalized it for Ben. The boy adopted it almost instantly and walked with it on his shoulders for all the evening. Chewie joined them and both friends whispered project ideas for when Ben would be in age to join their smuggler team.

 

* * *

 

 

It was almost at the dawn of the next day that Han came back in their home, feeling exhaustend after the ride back to Coruscant. He left Kashyyyk with a long hug from Chewie and promises to come back soon with Ben for his Wookie nephews. He saw Leia waiting in the living room, arms crossed on her chest and fury in her eyes, ready to fight to have make her worrying about Ben's disappearance for an entire day. And after having put back Ben in his bed, the wookie blanket covering him and a kiss on his dark hair, Han was ready to face the storm. Ben was worth all the fights in the world. All of them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr: @midgardiannerd


	3. We'll pass it on to you, we'll give the world to you and you'll blow us all away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Han can't be caught unexpected. He is too polyvalent for that. Even if Ben is always surprising him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's time for Kes and Poe Dameron to appear. For Ben to be cute with his best friend. And for Han to share some banter with Kes Dameron, one of his four wives.

Han landed the Falcon on Yavin IV and didn't wait any minute more before walking fastly towards the Dameron's home. Few weeks after their trip to Kashyyyk, Han decided to take Ben to Yavin IV to meet his friends and their own little boy. Han had to admit that his decision was purely motivated by the little Dameron boy. When he saw how happy Ben was to play with the little -in age, not in height- wookies, Han realized that Ben didn't even have friends. He was living a pretty lonely life, his only friends being the ones he created in his room and Han felt sad. Ben deserved to have a friend, a best friend like Chewie for him.

Han reminded the first meeting between his little boy and Poe Dameron. Ben, as usual, was hiding behind his father's legs. Han waited patiently. It was always taking some time for Ben to be ready to talk to strangers and even to look at them. Shara, the sweet Shara, had knelt front of him, smiling to him and talking in her sweet voice to present him her son. Poe made a step ahead, front of Ben and smiled to him with the legendary Dameron's smile. Han had felt the pressure on his left leg lightening and when he had looked down, Ben was looking at him, his dark beautiful brown eyes asking to his father if it was okay. Han caressed Ben's neck and with at little push, encouraged him to talk to Poe.

To say the boys got along was an euphemism. In the next ten minutes, Ben's hand was buried in Poe's hand and the older boy was dragging Ben across the garden to show to his new friend the Force tree that his own uncle had given to them. It was now usual for Ben to spent days with Poe, the boys always catching every opportunity to be together. Ben needed all the stability he could get and unfortunately it was unable for Leia and him to offer him such a simple thing. Leia was to invested in her work as a senator, Han unable to fight his instincts, even for the love of his son. Han always knew that this time would come. The moment he would fucked up and becoming a shitty father to Ben. But he couldn't help himself ; he couldn't help to fly away, to fight with Leia, to make Ben suffering. Ben needed better. Ben deserved better. And if for that, he needed a family more united like the Damerons were, so Han was willing to step back and give him that.

Everything almost crumbled when Shara died. Kes was destroyed. Poe was heartbroken, experiencing what death meant at a such young age. Kes needed time to rebuild himself and he found his strength in Poe, his son and the last part of Shara's soul. The Damerons boys needed time alone and together. So for too many months in Ben's opinion, he wasn't welcomed in his second home. His son was grieving too. Shara was like a second mother to him. But when he understood he wouldn't be able to see Poe for months, Han had seen his heart breaking in his eyes. Leia and he sat with their son and explained to him why Poe needed to stay away from Ben for the moment. When, with a broken voice, Ben asked if Poe wasn't loving him anymore, Han hated. He hated everything, everyone. He hated the Republic to have sent Shara on this mission. He hated Shara to have died and broke three hearts in the process. He hated Kes to have needed time to heal. He hated himself to haven't be able to protect his son, Poe, his friend Kes and his friend Shara. Han realized so that he was grieving too and that, like Kes, he needed time with his own son. This night, Leia and Ben slept in his arms and they all shed a tear – a lot of them -for everything they lost.

Four months later, Kes contacted them to Poe's request. The boy needed his best friend and Ben was welcome back at their home. Han had to bring him to Yavin IV the next day and both boys ran towards each other before falling in the other's arms. Han and Kes shared a hug too, but later, in private, where Kes was allowed to not be strong for his son. And now Ben was spending most of his time on Yavin IV, Kes cherishing to have him there with them, the only one to be able to put a smile on his son's lips and both boys being enough little devils to distract Kes far away from his unbelievable pain.

 

* * *

 

 

Han let his morose thoughts at the door when he entered -more something like sneaking in- in the house of his friends. His friend. He was glad to have been discreet when he saw Kes Dameron being deeply focusing on the task at his hands. He slipped behind Kes, looking over his shoulder to see the cake on which Kes was ready to writing something in a red cream.

 

« Ben hates red. » said casually Han and Kes turned back in a jump, splashing red cream on Han's face.

 

Both men looked at each other in shock. Han supposed he should feel relieved to just have cream on his face and not a knife in his chest. Surprising a Pathfinder wasn't the best idea he got in his life. But also it was far to be the worst idea he got in his life. They didn't have time to scream at each other because they heard little feet running in the stairs and their boys appearing, still in their pyjamas and messy hair. Someone was shouting 'Dad' and Han soon got his arms full of a ball of excitment that was his son who literaly jump without care for his own safety in his father's embrance.

The boy was laughing and Han laughed too, feeling his heart singing loudly with the love he had for his son. It was always amazing him to see how much his little boy was always happy to see him, even if Han wasn't deserving a such warm welcome for all the faults he had towards him. Han tickled Ben's neck with his nose and the boy, already tall for someone of his age, laughed louder and wriggled in Han's arms.

 

« What are you doing here ? » asked finally Kes, smiling to his friend.

« I'm here for the birthday boy ! » grinned Han. «  That's not everyday that my son is 8. » he added proudly while Ben was already blushing. « What are you thinking about going on a trip with me ? I have something to show you. » asked Han to his son and the boy was already nodding in excitement.

 

Han failed to see Poe's face becoming sad in the space of few seconds but Kes caught it and was already trying to find a way to comfort his son. Poe had planned a lot of things to do to celebrate Ben's birthday. But Poe, having his mother's heart, would never say anything to Ben, not when Ben spent so not much time with his father. He knew how much Ben missed Han and Ben's happiness was always more important to Poe. Kes was a little bit worried to see how Poe was willing to sacrify himself for Ben's sake. But Ben was already dragging Poe upstairs to make his bag and Han sat front of Kes.

 

« What ? » asked Han when Kes sighed.

« Poe planned to do something for Ben's birthday. » admitted Kes and Han felt immediately bad.

 

Of fucking course he wasn't the only one to have thought about Ben's birthday. The Damerons were his second family, their house is second home. Of course Kes was bakering a cake but Han didn't think further.

 

« I'm not coming with you. » said a little but stern voice behind them and when both men looked up, Ben was there, hands on his hips like Leia used to do when she was crossed. « Poe wants me to stay here. »

 

Kes smiled against his own will. Ben was so much looking like his father at this moment. As much stubborn as him, for sure. And to know that Poe's loyalty was reciprocal, it warmed Kes' heart. Poe appeared shyly at the kitchen's door, red eyes with tears, showing to Han and Kes that he was truly serious about his pain to not have Ben with him for this day.

Han stood front of his son and put both hands on his shoulders. Ben looked up at him, defiance in his eyes and Han smiled, maybe a little bit sadly. His son was ready to fight his own fights now. He didn't need Han anymore to fight for him. When did his boy grow up so much ? Was he so blind ? Was he truly okay with missing so much of Ben's childhood and living with the regrets that this decision will bring him ? Ben looked at him, confused to Han's sad smile and then fearing to have disappoint him. Han comforted him with stroking Ben's cheekbone with a thumb while his hands were taking Ben's face in them.

 

« Are you willing to come with your old father if Poe and Kes were coming with us ? » asked Han with a cheeky smile.

 

Kes was surprised to the proposition but already both boys were looking at him with hopeful eyes and Kes cursed, unable to say no to these pairs of puppy eyes. Then Han looked at him with a smirk ; he wouldn't be the only one to take care of these two professionals in mischief whom were their sons.

 

« I hate you Solo. » groaned Kes and both boys got confused but when Han laughed, they understood that they were heading for a trip in the Falcon.

 

Poe ran towards his father, hugging him tightly while Ben was doing the same to his father, his arms around his waist in a tight embrance.

 

« Thank you Dad ! » whispered Ben, pressing his face in his father's belly.

« Everything for you kiddo ! » answered Han, leaning forward to kiss Ben's head.

 

Boys were disappearing to Poe's room again, screaming in joy and Han joined Kes. Han pulled up his sleeves and shoved playfully his friend from before the cake. Han grabbed the spoon of red cream.

 

« Now Dameron ! Let me show you how truly screwing a birthday cake ! » said Han.

« I have a son Solo ! I perfectly know how to screw a birthday cake. » snorted Kes and soon both of them were bickering, like an old married couple, like always.

 

Twenty minutes later, Poe was piloting the Falcon – with Han's help- while being sat on Han's lap and Ben was sharing the second seat in the cockpit with Kes, the cake on Kes' lap, being screwed even more with the jolts of the ship.

 

* * *

 

 

The place Han wanted to show to Ben was in fact more an event than a place. It was one of these ship races that Han was doing not really to gain money but more to not become bored with his own life. He wanted Ben to see what he was doing when he was far away from him, mostly because Ben always asked him to tell him about the races when Han was back home. Leia wasn't approving at all this : the activity as much as Ben's desire to know everything about it. She didn't need to know that Han lied to her and was still telling everything to Ben when he was putting him in bed. It was a secret between his boy and him.

Poe and Ben were looking with big eyes the ships around them. Poe seemed truly fascinated by all of these when Ben was more fascinated by the pilots. When boys had tried to run to look at everything at the same time, Han hold them back. The ship races were more decent that most of the places Han knew in the galaxy but it wasn't either a children safety place. Han lead them to his team and boys were already climbing on a old X-wing when one of Han's pilots shouted to them to get down before breaking their necks on the ground. Both boys sulked when Han presented them to his team.

But soon pilots were grabbing the boys, perching them on their shoulders and wandered them from ships to ships. Both fathers couldn't hold back their laughs when their sons showed more mechanic knowledge about ships than some of the pilots themselves.

 

« Thank you. » whispered suddenly Kes and Han looked at him, surprised.

« For what ? »

« For this. That's the first since … since Shara's death- » struggled Kes, tears coming too fast in his eyes and Han put a hand on his shoulder. « Since Shara that Poe has been around a ship without crying. » finished Kes. « I think he needed that. » added the man with a tired smile.

« You too. » said Han, pressing Kes' shoulder. And the other man nodded.

 

* * *

 

 

During the ten races of this day, fathers and sons were sitting in the stands, the boys cheering up every pilot from Han's team. Both of them were still rambling about the races few steps ahead their fathers while they were joining back the warehouse where the team was after the last race.

The boys ran towards the only winner from their team, a mature woman with wild fire hair named Zaima and looked at her with wonder, already debriefing the race with her and the woman smiled down to them, amused to see so much pride and excitement in these two little boys. She was suprised at how much they already were tactical and getting the implicit rules of ship race. While Poe was still talking with hand gestures to be more efficient in his explanations, Ben walked back to his father and looked at Kes and Han.

 

« Dad ! »

« Yes kiddo ? » smiled Han.

« Can Poe fly one of the ships ? » asked Ben.

« What ? » said in unison Kes and Han.

« I think that Poe wants to fly. » said Ben, looking innocent but Han knew he was pretty determined to have Poe flying today.

« No no no ! » said Kes, a slight hint of panic in his voice. « He can't fly alone and Shara isn't there to go with him- »

« She will always be there with him when he will fly. » said Ben, his voice carefully sweet and both older men stayed stunned. Ben sounded so much older than 8 years old at this moment and his eyes were full of compassion and unexpected wisdom.

 

Kes, still speechless, nodded, dazed, like Ben revealed to him one of the secrets of the universe. And maybe it was what he exactely did. Kes looked up at his son, seeing him caressing one of the wings of the winner ship with tenderness, a strange nostalgic smile on his lips. Kes tried to swallow his sob. He didn't realize. He didn't realize that Poe didn't need to forget that Shara was dead. He didn't realize that what Poe truly needed was to remember that Shara had been alive for all these precious years, that she had taught him all she could, that she had loved Poe more than she thought she could. Shara was dead. Nothing could change that. But she could still be there, alive through Poe. And she was. And a pilot could never resist to the call of the sky.

 

* * *

 

 

Han sent his team celebrating their winner at the cantina, letting the four of them alone. It was a private time which needed to stay private. Poe welcomed the idea of flying with the biggest grin on his face since his mother passed away. Kes felt guilty to have hold him back in his own pain all these months. Both fathers decided to fly each one with their own son. They trusted them to be good pilots. After all, both of them had been taught by the two best pilots in the galaxy. But ships were still dangerous, especially by night.

Kes took place in the cockpit of an old X-wing, his son on his knees. Fortunately, Poe was small and Kes not a too large man, they were fitting both in the cockpit without too much problems. Both put their helmets on and Kes, being a shitty pilot, let Poe taking the joystick in his hands. He was a natural at this, like Shara. He saw Han and Ben jumping in another X-wing and laughed a little bit when he saw them struggling much more than Poe and he to find some place, Poe laughed too and Kes felt the joy which had deserted his life coming back in this beautiful moment shared with his son. Han was not so much taller than Kes but Ben, even for a 8 years old, was already tall and Kes could already picture him being taller than his father in the future. It took them few minutes but the Solo team was finally fitting in the small space and helmets on their head, made sign to Poe to fly.

Contrary to Poe, Ben's hands were joined by his father's on the joystick. It was something that Ben was loving. People would not say that Han Solo was a patient man but when he taught to Ben how to fly, he always has been the most patient and encouraging man. Ben never felt afraid to do a mistake. Unexpectedly, both boys chose to not race against each other but to fly at the same pace, at a pretty low altitude. They were sharing their sensations, first time they were flying together, over the comm. Kes heard at his son sharing a pretty beautiful moment with his best friend. Han listened to his son being in perfect synchronization with his best friend, his mind already wondering what deadly efficient duo they could be in the future if they were chosing to work together and knowing them, the chances were high.

 

* * *

 

 

When they were back on the ground, Kes carried his son in his arms and burried his face in his son's shoulder. The boy felt a little bit lost at first but then he was tightening his arms around his father's neck, sharing tears with his dad. Han looked at them with a sad smile and when he felt his own boy coming closer to him, Han didn't hesitate to hug him against his side. Later, the four of them were sitting on the floor of the Falcon, eating the really ugly cake with laughs. And Han got the confirmation that it was for moments like that that he was really living.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr: @midgardiannerd

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr: @midgardiannerd


End file.
